"Numbers" can suck my Dangling Participle

Math makes me throw up. A lot. Almost in a literal sense. It is the bane of my educational existence. I just plain suck at it. To make matters worse, there are all of these new fangled shows coming out, making math-y people even more self-righteous in their numberish genius. Shows like "The Big Bang Theory" and "Numbers", both of which feature mathematical geniuses strolling about flaunting their logic and left brainedness (Yes, all of these words are REAL words, I have the degree to declare them as such. So shall it be written.), and making us little english majors feel pretty darn bad about ourselves. Where's OUR show? Why can't WE fight crime with our intellect?

As I have sailed onward through my 100 books, I have created several stunning show ideas based off of this premise. As usual, these ideas will be smattered throughout the book reviews, so as to trick you into reading this whole thing. Let's be honest: if this blog was purely based on books, I would have two followers: my mom and my husband ( FYI: I am starting a petition to ban the word 'hubby' from modern english. It makes me feel like I am married to the guy from According to Jim, but he also wears a bear costumes all the time).

First book: Enchantment, by Orson Scott Card.

I LOVED Ender's Game, so I was pretty eager to read more from this author. This is a very different book as far as setting and plot goes, but it is a really great read. It plays with time-travel, and uses themes such as Russian mythology and a Jewish heritage to weave a rich story drenched in culture and magic. It is a totally different take on the French Sleeping Beauty tale we are usually familiar with, and draws more from the Older "The Sun , the Moon, and Talia", though its is a very different version even from that one. His examination of old pagan religion is very interesting, and you can pick up interesting tidbits of Russian lore in the tale. Fans of Baba Yaga stories will find lots to love here.

So, first show idea: this could be an offshoot of Numbers, if the network decides to run with it. Picture this: Charlie is called on the scene of the crime, expecting to be able to close the case with his usual mathematical flair. But, uh-oh, this killer has left behind clues that only an English major could understand.

Charlie: "The killer left a Crossword puzzle at the scene. The circled letter will reveal a word jumble when solved, which in turn will lead to the next victim. We need an expert."
(cue awesome music, something Led Zeppelin-y, like the intro to "When the Levy Breaks". A gorgeous  female english major strolls in, with one of those pen necklaces like Joan has on MadMen. And Christina Hendricks will also play this character, cuz she's awesomely bomb.)
English Major: "I hear you boys need an expert."
(..Later, back at the precinct, she is scrawling madly on one of those wicked-cool clear dry-erase boards that they always have on the show. It has obscure 19th century book titles and authors all over, with lines going between them)
English Major: 42 Down" Melville's Scarlet crush......"*
-MAD props if anyone can post the answer to this clue in the comments. MAD props. I will give a big shout out to you, and let you name the topic of my next blog).

So that's just one idea, but don't lie: You would go cuh-razy for this show. It would kick CSI in the crotch and make it scream all high pitched and stuff.

The next book that floated my way was World War Z by Max Brooks.

From the guy who brought you "The Zombie Survival Guide", kids. Good stuff. VITAL stuff. My zombie-expert colleague Scott loaned this to me, along with a crap-ton of other zombie books. Who knew there were so many zombie books in the world, right? Pretty frickin' nifty. This book was so well written. It is set up like a compilation of real-life interviews that are taking place after the Zombie-event that almost destroyed the world. Military leaders, doctors, and civilians gaze in retrospect at the whole event, from the first know outbreak all the way to the bitter end. It follows the epidemic globally, and explores some vastly perspectives. He articulates each interview so well that it truly seems as if you are reading the words of very real and diverse individuals. My favorite part? Zombie-fighting dachshunds. Pretty fantastic. Good news: this will be a movie featuring Brad Pitt. No joke. Check it out on IMDB.

Then, I had another Undeadfest with the book "The First Days", first installment of the "As the World Dies" trilogy.

This was a fun adventure full of blood-thirsty corpses and gore galore. Plus, the main characters were girls, and not the "ohmigod, I just fell and broke my leg and now my top's coming off" kind, but actual ass-kicking ladies. The action was cool, and I liked the fact that it follows the efforts of the survivors so closely, but I could have done without all the romance angles. But that's just me. All in all, though, a really fun book.

Next idea: This one will be more of a Sherlock Holmes-ian show. The story will revolve around a literary genius who has spent his whole life shut up in his grand but messy library, reading books. It's modern era, but he has a hard time keeping pace with the times, especailly socially. Very eccentric and brilliant, he finds himself constantly bored by the day-to-day business of every day life, so he amuses himself by helping the police squad track down the serial killer who seems to be committing murders based on literature. For example: the unfaithful wife is found drowned in the ocean by her seaside vacation home (ala "The Awakening). Pretty nifty. eh?

The next book up for el discussione is "The Girl who Played with Fire", the second in Steig Larson's trilogy about Lisbeth Salander. This book would definitely not make sense or be slightly entertaining, but, as a sequel, its great. READ THE FIRST BOOK FIRST. The foreign films of the books are also great, I highly recommend them.

The last book I read was a volume of two short novels by Louisa May Alcott.

 While we might remember her best for sweet little books like "Little Women", she actually wrote many stories of a more 'sensational' nature. These stories center around deception, scandals, and secret children. The first one was called "The Mysterious Key and What it Opened", and the second was called  "Behind a Mask". Both were fun little sensationalist stories that typify 19th century pulp writing. I love sensationalist stoires; all the mortification of female flesh and the dastardly men are just plain fun. If you're looking for a REALLY dark one, try 'A Thrilling and Exciting Account of the Sufferings and Tortures Aflicted on Mister Mortimer Bowers and Miss Sophia Delaplain". This one has amazing disembowelments, cross-dressing, love affairs, and more.Not by Lousia May, but good stuff. The following murder scene for an English major show comes straight from that story:

A man lies in pieces upon the floor. His body has been severed several times all the way through. A white marble statue of the Madonna in prayer stands above him, dripping with scarlet splatter.

 Head Detective: It looks like the statue is rigged.

Loser Newbie detective: Rigged...how?

Head D: There are blades hidden inside. They are pretty damn big, and made of folded steel. Someone spent a lot of time on this whole ting. Anyways, the blades are loaded to spring outwards and slice whoever is close enough. And from the looks of this spatter, he was pretty close. Coulda practically been kissin' her.

English Major Man: Not kissing.

Head D: Pardon?

English M: I said, not kissing. He was hugging her.

Head D: Hugging her?

English M: Yes, hugging her. And I am fairly certain that if you delve into this poor man's background, you will find ties to Cuban crime syndicates. 

Head D: What makes you say that?

English M: The killer has never before been original, he surely has not started thinking for himself at this point. I've read this all before.

RIGHT? These shows are gonna be a hit! The first one will be your average Prime Time Crime Drama, but the second should probably be on Masterpiece Mystery or something. Maybe they will do a Wishbone version of it someday.

I'll let you know when they air. If being a fake psychic detective/ ghost hunter doesn't work out for me, I could always be a TV writer.

Conspiracy Theory: Not just a movie I've never seen...

This week, I was discussing "Chicken Run" as a retelling of the Holocaust (not even kidding) when a sixth grader popped up his hand and said "Miss, you know what's weird about the Beatles?" then proceeded to tell me a very amusing and somewhat confusing story about how Paul McCartney actually died in a car accident in the 80s, but they covered it up by replacing him with a body double, but John Lennon went and spoiled the whole surprise by leaving backwards messages on his albums revealing the big secret. Wow. But after sorting through his misinformation and date-switching, I discovered that there is indeed a fully-thriving conspiracy theory out there about Paul McCartney's secret death. Then, in the next class, a kid writes a reflection article on New World Order conspiracy, mixed with a smattering of evangelical "Left Behind" conspiracy nonsense, with Obama as the anti-christ. This reminded me of several of my favorite crazy conspiracy theories, which I feel obligated to share with my small (and VERY appreciated) audience, between reviews of the myriad of books I am cramming into one blog. Don't worry, I'll only discuss my favorites.

Ok, first up: Storm of Swords. This. Book. Was. MINDBLOWING. It's the fourth in the "Song of Fire and Ice" series, and holy crap, stuff goes down in this here book. This series is a must-read. It is stunning, exciting, meticulously crafted, and there's a tv show being made. Do you really need any other reasons? These books are hefty, too, which means the story really has time to come into its own. It's a chunker with onion thin pages and the thickness of true tome, but it is not over-written in the slightest. The character development is amazing, and the story turned me into a nervous wreck with its tension. Not too fantasy-ish, so it manages to stay out of the Cheese Zone. Though I wouldn't say no to a unicorn now and then.

Now to one of my favorite conspiracy theories of all time. I say David Icke, you say...REPTILE.

From the man who brought you the "New World Order" conspiracy comes another doozy. David Icke has this very detailed theory called "The Reptiod Hypothesis", basically claiming that the world is under a subtle and meticulous siege from shapeshifting Reptilian Aliens. They have replaced many of our world leaders, such as George Bush and even the Queen. What's truly fascinating about David Icke and his whack-a-doodle ideas is that he was once a  normal and well-respected man. He was a journalist and a politician. He was a national speaker for the UK's Green party, and some called him "The Greens' Tony Blair". Then, after a few sessions with psychic healers, and a period of time in which he would wear only the color turquoise, he emerged as the face of a whole new kind of crazy.

Next book up: A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess.

I read this book years ago in high school, after I saw the movie, and I picked it up again on a whim. This book has been one of my favorites since the first time I read it. It's written entirely in a strange slang that Burgess created out of Russian, school-boy slang, and a myriad of other languages. Words like "droog", "moloko", and "devochka" are thrown around, but it's easy to catch up with the strange language after a bit. The plot is practically identical to the movie, but since all the narration is rendered in Burgess' own language, it can be harder to see the action at times. That being said, the more graphic scenes of rape, violence, and sex are easier to get through in the book, since the strange language tends to remove us from the intensity of the scene, and you aren't watching it play out before you on film. The major difference between the film and the movie is the ending, since the newer publications of the book has an extra chapter that was with-held from the American publication first time around (but was kept in the British book) HIGHLY recommended to fans of dystopian lit, but only if you have a strong constitution for violence.

Know who killed John Lennon? I do. And it wasn't Mark David Chapman. It was Stephen King. That's right, the horror novelist. At least, according to Steve Lightfoot, author of "Lennon Murder Expose", the truth can be found by examing a government code hidden in news headlines and other  news media stories. Other possible candidates he later ruled before concluding the "It" author offed Lennon were Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. For more fun info on this theory, go to: lennonmurdertruth.com and have a look around.

During SBA testing (high school standardized testing bull crap, for those who don't know), my job was the easiest in the world. I sat in a high school library for five hours, reading and waiting for my turn as testing warde, and I plowed though several books while I waited. "Everlost" by Neil Shusterman and "The Forest of hands and Teeth" by some chick.

Everlost was great. It weaves an entirely new mythology of an afterlife, and is extremely well-written. The Forest of Hands and Teeth, however, was a big, huge, cataclysmic disappointment. It started off in a promising direction: an isolated town of people in a forest, fenced off on all sides to keep walking-dead monsters from raiding, very much like Shyamalan's "The Village". What could be cooler than a zombie tale in a medieval forest village? It started of great, but then it became entirely bogged down in a tedious love triangle, and the main chararcter revealed herself to be nothing but a selfish little bitch. The plot and the characters were inconsistent, and it dive-bombed into drudgery as soon as it began to look exciting( That's what she said. BURN!!!!) .

Ready for another great theory? Let's look at Project Blue Beam. According to those who hold to this idea, NASA is working on a vast project that will combine holograms, radio-signal telepathy, and control of natural disasters to engineer. The end goal? Earthquakes and natural disasters will strike worldwide,  dislodging and bringing to light several 'archeaological' finds, planted by the government to reshape our understanding of religion as a whole. The holograms will project a Second Coming of Christ, and other religious fugures, and the telepathy will send messages 'from God' into people's brains, which will then be used to control us. This will all be achieved using a network of high tech satellites. This is the craziest thing to hit the press since Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins ever penned up their end-times crap and added the word 'Jesus' to make people think it was biblical.
Here's an educational film that can explain more on the matter:

Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle" was an awesome one from this month's adventure.

His writing is so...Vonnegut. The story is hilarious and terrifying, and his frank rendering of our world and its people is perfection. It doesn't get the attention that Slaughterhouse Five does, but it is quintessential Vonnegut, and a quick read that also has substance. READ IT OR DIE.

Quick summary of the rest of this month's list:

What-the-Dickens by Gregory Maguire. Excellently written, but a terrible story

The Downsiders by Niel Shusterman- great read, good YA magical realism meets dystopian.

The Amulet of Samarkand- first book in a  YA trilogy, and I definitely want to read more. Funny, magical, and well-written.

I did it. Sorry it's so long, I had to cram it all in at once (that's what he said!), because moving houses had me crazy busy this month.

Zombies vs Unicorns

In honor of the next book on my reading list, we will be examining the epic question, who would be more ass-kicky when thrust into battle against one another? Zombies or Unicorns? Feel free to weigh in with your own evidence in the comments below. I should warn you, however, that anyone who disagrees with my all-knowing, impartial, flawless, and adorable opinion is a cotton headed ninny-muggins.

The first book I read was "The Wide Sargasso Sea", by Jean Rhys.

For any fans of "Jane Eyre", this is a MUST read. Remember that crazy bi-otch that Mr. Rochester keeps locked up in the attic? This is her story. It follows her from childhood, charting the progress of her madness through her bloodline, and the sorrows of her youth. It also gives an interesting account of life of slave owners in the islands after slavery was abolished. The descriptions are vivid and opulent, and the narrative is haunting and well-crafted. Jean Rhys tells the tale that has been crying to be written since 1847.
Any-who, on to our first pieces of evidence for our glorious battle scenario:
As we all know, both zombies and unicorns are, to a certain degree, immortal. They do not die in conventional ways. Unicorns, for example, can be killed, but old age or disease will never take them (The Last Unicorn, book, 1968). But just how immortal are zombies? According to some well researched sources, Zombies do not only die from having their brains destroyed, but they can also starve to death (28 Days Later, 2002). Zombies need flesh/brains to survive, whereas unicorns can simply live off of moonbeams and starshine, if they wish (A Swiftly Tilting Planet, 1978). It seems, then, that unicorns are a bit more immortal than zombies. The score so far: Unicorns-1, Zombies-0.

The next book I read was "Deerskin", by Robin McKinley.

 Most people know the basic canon of fairy tales: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc, and Robin McKinely has adapted and retold many of these fairy tales in a fresh and wonderful way. But most people will not be familiar with the fairy tale that she re-weaves in Deerskin. The original tale, "Donkeyskin" is usually left out of most children's collections and not often discussed due to the disturbing and violent nature of its subject matter. Apparently incest and incest is not the most popular topic these days. And unlike Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood, and the other canonized tales, this one is a little harder to clean up. Here's the gist: The Queen, who is the most beautiful woman in the world, dies an early death, and makes her husband promise to never remarry someone who is less beautiful than she was, knowing that no one will rival her beauty. After going half mad with grief, the king one day sees his daughter, and, realizing that she is as beautiful as her mother was, falls in love with her. The daughter, after experiencing the full thrust of her father's madness and lust, flees the kingdom to escape. McKinley's version of this story is amazing. The descriptions are beautiful, the characters are wonderfully real, and the relationships she writes about are rendered in a tangible and lovely way, especially the relationship between humans and animals. If you love dogs, you MUST read this. If you love fairy tales, run out and grab this book right now.
Thought you might also like to know some of the secrets of the REAL fairy tales. In the early Red Riding Hood, the girl is tricked into eating her grandmother's flesh and drinking her blood, and then slowly strips down for the wolf before climbing into bed with her. FOR REALS, ya'll. In te early version of Sleeping Beauty, the prince comes upon the dozing princes and gets so 'excited' by her beauty that he, well.....takes a few liberties with her sleeping self. She awakes after her babies have been born. The princes wife (yup, he's married) finds out, and makes an attempt to eat the children. Fun with cannibalism, boys and girls. We also have a nice stripping scene in this one as well. In Cinderella, the stepsisters have their eyes pecked out by birds, and in Snow White, the evil queen has her feet forced into molten hot iron clad shoes until she burns up. And those are the parts you won't hear in class. If you want a REALLY gory story, check out "Bluebeard" and its variations. Buckets-o-blood and many fair young corpses. It's also called the Robber Bridegroom.

Speaking of corpses, back to the argument at hand. Let us examine the powers of zombies and unicorns: Unicorns have healing powers, powers against poisons, and, according to some legends they can even fly. Some legends also attribute them with pan-dimensional qualities and teleportation. They are also very strong and swift, making them fierce fighters.Check out this 13th century quote from 'Le Bestiaire Divin de Guillaume'  :"The unicorn has but one horn in the middle of its forehead. It is the only animal that ventures to attack the elephant; and so sharp is the nail of its foot, that with one blew it can rip the belly of that beast."
Crazy shit, right? Them unicorns be KILLIN' some beasts! But they do have a weakness for beautiful young girls. If they see a pretty face, they just have to go lay their head down on that fair lap and nestle in for some mane stroking and songs. And what about zombies? They seem to feel no pain from attack, so that's a pretty bad ass advantage. They only die if their brain is demolished. But they seems to lack any cognitive capabilities beyond mere instinct and bloodlust. They seem to stumble almost blindly after their prey. Most of them are slow, but even when they are wicked fast, their powers just don't seem to match up to a unicorn's magical-ness. Score: Unicorns: 2, Zombies: 0

 "Persepolis" by Marjane Satrapi was the next one to cross my path.

This one wasn't your average novel, it's actually a bit closer to a graphic novel. The text is paired with beautifully simple black-and-white drawings. It's biographical, so I guess it's more of a Graphic Memoir. Marji is a young girl when the Islamic revolution...
(Ohmigod, I just found gum on the butt of my oants. Probably from the movie theatre. Yuck, I'll be right back. Gonna go soak this sucker in goo-gone).
Ok, I'm back. Anyways, she very young when the Islamic revolution hits Tehran. Because she grew up in a fairly liberal free-thinking family, the change is quite hard for her. She laments about her education being taken form her, and about being confined behind a veil. She can no longer listen to her music, go to school with her guy friends, or do anything that is perceived as either western or opulent. Her family continues to fight the these changes, and she joins in despite the risk. It is a very honest account, from some one who lived though these events on the ground level. My favorite part of the text was the simple yet profound spiritual experience that the author had as a young girl, as well as her relationship with her family.

The last book that I read was Ray Bradbury's "The Illustrated Man". Since I love Ray Bradbury, and I'm a big fan of body art, this seemed an appropriate choice.

This is more of a collection of stories, united through the art on the man's body. Ray Bradbury is a fantastic author, and his stories are amazing, and also wonderfully hopeless. The worlds he paints are exquisite and riddled with shadows and pain. A perfect moody piece, with bits of bright hope sprinkled throughout. I am sure, too, that Ray Bradbury would support my conclusion that Unicorns beat Zombies! Yes, when all facts are weighed, and all the evidence is examined (we did but a brief look in this blog), the rainbow-y goodness of magical unicorns blast away the stumbling zombies. Unicorns are obviously impervious to the zombie virus ( see 'healing powers' in earlier section) and have more strength and ingenuity than zombies can ever hope to attain.

For more on unicorn battles, please view this educational film:

 

Ass Seen on TV..Ooops, I mean 'As' seen on TV.

Five books thus far. Moving, right along in my usual gangsta fashion. But enough about gangstas for this month. This week we will be examining the wide, wonderful world of 'As Seen on TV Products'. This phenomenon is what happens when laissez-faire droplets of rain water the crazy capitalism that grows in the soil of the world economy, an economy fertilized primarily by bored middle class housewives and insomniacs not yet addicted to meth (well, the ones addicted to meth are spending all their money on meth, obviously). Luckily, having one hundred books to cram into a year means that I will never have to resort, in boredom, to watching Billy Mays scream at the top of his lungs about stain-fighting seltzer powder.

First up this round was "Z for Zachariah", by Robert C. O'Brien ( the homie who wrote The Rats of NIMH). The world has been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust, and our narrator finds herself completely isolated, alone, and, as far as she knows, the sole survivor of the tragedy. Her solitude is broken when a mysterious stranger in a radiation suit appears on her land. What turn of events will this stranger bring? The book was excellent, and went at a very fast pace. It brings up questions about survival and isolation that I had never before considered, and gave the reader a strong heroine to see through. I'm sure she could have passed the hours of boredom and solitude with our first amazing Infomercial product: The Fushigi Ball.

So, my biggest beef with this thing is the lameness factor. Did anybody else notice that in ALL of the picture and ads, the ball is DISTINCTLY touching his hands? Check out the one in the right corner. IT is clearly touching both of his thumbs, he's just holding them at a 'magically' awkward angle. The only thing magical about this is how quickly your chance at scoring with the opposite sex will disappear.

On another note, David Bowie does manage to look pretty awesome when he does this shiznit with glass balls:

Next on the ol' reading list was "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle", by Avi.

This Newberry winner was a historical mystery and coming-of-age story, about a young girl, unaccompanied on m merchant vessel, who finds herself accused of murder aboard a merchant vessel. A great sea-worthy novel that actually has a strong female character. It seems that every swashbuckling adventure features a male-only cast (rife with potential for Freudian analysis. Pirates, anyone?). A great girl-centered adventure story all-in=all.

Perhaps Charlotte would have been able to avoid all this accusation trouble if she would have had one of those hearing aids that looked like a blue tooth device. They are one of the 7 Great Wonders of Infomercial products.

The commercial is great; not only does it advertise a 'discreet' way to hear 'what the consarn dag-nabbit' everybody is saying, but it also encourages eavesdropping. The commercial shows a man listening in to women at a party, privately discussing how awesome/hot he is. I would like to point out that if you walked around wearing a Bluetooth headset to parties, the only thing people would be saying about you is what a douche bag lame-ass you are.

Ah, so little time and so many more books. Ok, to summarize the rest:

Matched was awesome. Even though it was another love triangle story, it was so much more. A girl must decide between the 'prefect'. preselected life before her, or learn to choose her own fate and go against everything she has ever know.

"Gathering Blue" was the companion novel to "The Giver". It was pretty good, but not nearly able to stand up to its counterpart. Though it was written with a little more sophistication, its plot was less original and did not hold the shocks and twists of the first.

"Across the Universe" was fantastico. Hard to believe that it was the author's debut. The ship 'Godspeed' has been sent to populate an earth-like planet hundreds of light years away. The journey will take centuries, so the 'colonists' a put in a cryogenic state. Decades before the journey is over, Amy wakes up from her frozen state, because someone has tried to kill her. Well written, taut with mystery, and full of interesting and believable human relationships.

And now for my FAVORITE Infomercial product: The Kinoki Foot Pads. A miracle in a box.

These amazing pads supposedly suck toxins and poisons from your body through the soles of your feet. The makers even claim that they can suck cellulite from your body. Wow. WOW. They turn brown and nasty after wearing them over night, and this is supposedly the toxins and cellulite and other nasty ass crap that should be classified as hazardous waste. BULLCRAP. And just how the hell are they supposed to work?! Did Harry Potter finally stop chasing Voldemort long enough to create magic poison-sucking foot pads with the aid of Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class)?! Everyone knows that wizards are not supposed to magically intervene in the muggle world, so this is impossible.

That's it for this round, kids. Stay off drugs and don't buy crap from infomercials. 

PS-Billy Mays and Rachel Ray should have a shout-talking contest. They are both constantly screaming their lungs off about EVOO or Oxy crap.


Check out this awesome contest!

Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, or: Winter of our Discontent

Fell behind in this cuh-razy month. Apparently those two days make a difference. I completed 5 of the 8 books I should have. Many tears were wept, and I dropped caps in a few asses. Lesson one: an upset gansta always drops caps in people's asses. Shanking with shivs is also acceptable, especially when doing hard time or at a job that does not allow fire arms. Lesson two: Shiv (noun)- a homemade instrument of stabbing (definition:mine). Shank (verb)- to stab with a shiv (see previous definition)

Part of this blog will be gangsta-ology. I am well qualified to instruct in this matter, as I am pretty much the most gangsta person I know (or have ever heard of). They call me Vuh-nilluh Xtrakt on the streets.

This entry is gonna cover the whole month. I guess I was too busy pimpin' it to write a weekly entry. Now that my bid-niss be in order, I can get back to blogging. What did I read this month? Here goes:

Clash of Kings. It is part of a series, and a pretty gangsta series at that (in a fantasy nerd gangsta kind of way). This was part two of what will be a five-book series. HOPEFULLY will be, if the author finishes the last one before he passes on. I sincerely hope he does not (for MORE than selfish reasons). The series is NOT, as some claim, the next Lord of the Rings (blasphemers!) but is still pretty stinkin' good. It has a lot of political intrigue, power struggles, a touch of magic n' destiny, a tad of ever-popular incest, and battles, battles, battles. A very good fantasy series for those looking for something less cheesy and more meaty (in a vegetarian sense, of course). Gangsta Lesson 3: Gangstas love battles. Gangstas will love this book. Think drive-by shooting, but from the back of a war steed. 

The next I read was Unwind by Neil Shusterman. FANTASTIC book. Imagine a society that has been ravaged by the Heartland War, a war in which Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life has become a violent force that has cost lives and ripped the nation apart, literally. To quell the fighting, a compromise is reached: no child, born or unborn, can be harmed in any way. Once a child reaches 13, however, they can be 'unwound; if their parents so choose. Unwinding is exactly what it sounds like. Each part of the child is taken aprt and given to a person who needs that organ. EVERY part is used, to the process does not 'legally' cause death. The child is still alive in, just in a divided form. Three teens who are slated for this fate escape. The book does not, as you would assume, side solidly on either side of the life/choice issue, but rather serves as a commentary on the battle that rages on between the two, as well as providing insight into BOTH views. I HIGHLY recommend it.

Really good book. It wasn't as well written as Unwind, but was still great. The world of the novel is a world in which death is no longer an inevitability. Most people take drugs to live forever. This causes problems with over population, so those who choose immortality must sign a pact to never procreate. Those who do are jailed, and their children are sent to work camps/schools to try and atone for their parent's sins. These children are called Surpluses, and the narrator is one such child. She tells the story of growing up to be taught that she is a burden who should have never been born, and must strive her whole life to be useful in some capacity to those who deserved to exist. Gangsta lesson number 4: Do not let the authority keep you down while behind bars. Be the king of your cell block.

After writing a paper on the Musselman of the concentration camps, Elie Wiesel's "Night" seemed a logical reading choice. The story is harrowing. haunting, and something that everyone should read. It portrays not only the horrors of Auschwitz, but the love and loyalty that can exist between father and son even when all else is stripped away.

CS Lewis' "Great Divorce" was a great read, especially for those who enjoyed both Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" and Dante's "Divine Comedy". The picture of the afterlife that CS Lewis presents is beautiful and wonderful, and fully embraces both the idea of a completely loving Divine and the idea of man's unrestrained free will. The setting is only half the book, however. His observations of human behavior is extremely insightful, and his understanding if human relationships is eye opening. One does not need to be a theology student to love this book. Best thing about it/ UNICORNS!!!!!!!

Alright, gangstas, that's it for this month. Like I said, I was too busy making my turf safe and keeping hos in line to read.Gangsta homework for you all to work on: write a dope rhyme, and rob something (not necessarily in that order).

Zombie Seals are Coming.

It's getting closer every day, folks. No country has a defense against it, no person is invulnerable, no one knows the day or the hour, but it is coming, like a thief in the night. That's right... the Zombie Apocalypse. Every day I take a few minutes to prepare, as I rip the day's page of my Zombie Survival Calendar. It is a wonderful reminder to remain ever vigilant, and brush up on a few survival tips. Meanwhile, as I await the inevitable doomsday that the undead will bring, I continue in my goal. After all, we must have something to keep us moving forward in these times.

I met January's quota of at least 8.5 books, so the first month of my voyage went swimmingly. A week's worth of snow days (yay, no teaching!) did help quite a bit in this department, though I did spent much of my flu-ridden, snowbound days watching Star Trek, rather than spending every waking (and sniffling) hour buried in the written word. We all have our weaknesses.

One of the books I devoured (yes, I could not put it down) was James Dashner's "The Maze Runner".

I read this one for the District 13 book club I am a member of. Loved it. When I first found out that the "Maze Runner" had been voted as January's selection, I was disappointed. I had never heard of it, and I got it mixed up with the "Kite Runner". All I could remember hearing about it (the 'Kite Runner') was "touching, compelling, heartwarming, a real emotional journey, blah-di-blah-blah YUCK". Who. Gives. A. Damn. Heartwarming is not up my alley when it comes to reading material. Unless it is about a dog. But a TALKING dog. Because if the dog does not talk, it will inevitably die at the end. This was confirmed today at the book club meeting. I don't fancy reading about dead dogs. So, to recap: no heartwarming crap, no dead dogs. Unicorns: yes. Minotaurs: HELLZ yes. Dead Dogs: NO. Though, undead dogs: yes. Zombie dogs are very exciting.

Anyways, "Maze Runner". IT was awesome. No kites, no heartwarming nonsense, just pure adventure and post-apocalyptic fun. It was a good contrast to "Lord of the Flies", which we read several months ago for District 13. Where "Lord of the Flies" showed a chaotic, violent, anarchist side of male adolescent nature, this book shows a well-ordered, self-regulated group of boys united by the goal of survival and escape. Plot: boy wakes up in an elevator. No memories, no knowledge of where he is. He is transported to the center of a maze, where he finds more boys who arrived in the very same fashion as he, over the previous two years. Why are they there? Can they solve the maze? Why do the doors lock every night, and why do those who get locked out never return? AMAZING. There are two more books in the series, and one has already been released. I will be reading that one FO' SHIZ. Ya, thats right. I'm pretty gangsta like that.

I also read "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larson.

While this book started off slow for the first four chapters, it turned out to be amazing. The first four chapters are REALLY slow though. REALLY. Really. But after that, it zooms off. Just hang on for the first few. The plot was fantastic, the characters were well developed, and the mystery was titillating (tee hee). It does have some pretty gruesome and rough scenes, so it is definitely not for the faint of heart. But c'mon, most of the grandmothers I know love it, so it's nothing too bad. Let's just say I will not recommend it to the high schoolers in my classes in case I get in trouble for forwarding explicit material, but for any consenting adult, you have my thumbs up. The swedish version of the movie is excellent, I highly recommend it. This too is part of a trilogy, and I already have book two on my kindle.

"Feed" by M.T. Anderson was Monday's selection.

It was a pretty quick read, and is EXTREMELY culturally relevant in our present moment. No, it does not talk about the impending Zombie apocalypse, but it does deal with the saturation of technology that we are facing. It shows a future world where everyone who is anyone is connected to the internet within their very brains. Every second of every day, you are hooked into the Feed, chatting with friends, shopping, getting news, learning the trend of the second, and being slammed with advertisements. Imagine a bio-implant of Facebook, and you've got the right idea. It seems so likely, and so close to us now. The narrator's voice was the weak point. In an attempt to capture a true speaking-type voice for the storyteller, the writer sacrificed fluidity, and the book seemed at times clunky, choppy, and forced, hard to immerse yourself in.

In order to keep ourselves on our toes, Gunnar and I often discuss zombie hypotheticals. This weeks discussion question: You, a child, and a baby seal are in a deserted and looted grocery store. All three of you are reaching toward the last can of food (beans, if you were wondering). You have your trusty wooden club in hand. How do you proceed? My answer: Club the child, grab the beans, and the seal pup, and raise the seal as your own.

                                           Who could resist such a face?

The seal would be trained to fight the Undead seals that may escape from the zoo. After all, how can we be sure that the virus will not spread to animals as well?

Zombie seals are coming. You'd better be ready.

Cetology (or: That's What She Said)

So, I have some catching up to do: somewhere in the upcoming weeks, I need to fit in two extra books, due to a Mad Men dvd binge last week. Wonderful show, by the way. Christina Hendricks is definitely my straight lady crush.

This week, I read 3.5 books. The half book will not be discussed in length, but will be given honorable mention (which we all know is about as meaningful as a new law to protect dodo birds; I heartily scoff at honorable mentions. Scoff, scoff). Anyways, on with the show.

The first book I read is "Girl in the Arena"by Lisa Haines. This book was on a list of nominated possibilities for the District 13 book club I'm in, and even though it did not get elected for this month's reading, it looked so interesting that I had to read it. Though the first chapters promised me an intense narrative full of blood and vengeance, it did not really follow through. Though it was well written, the story just took too long to get into full thrust. I was left a little wanting (that's what she said). The commentary it offered was admirable, but a little less subtle than the book I felt it was trying to follow: The Hunger Games. Fans of Collin's subtly but powerfully wrought political message will feel like the author doesn't trust us enough to 'get it'. Started off promising, but in the end, it didn't quite deliver (that's what she said).

The second book I read was "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society". The title conceals a goo story, let me assure you. It tells the story of a group of people who lived through the German Occupation of the England's Channel Islands. Apparently there are islands in the English Channel, and apparently people lived on them. People may still live there today. No one knows for certain, but science is looking for the answer. I had no clue about these islands thanks to a deplorable geography education. My class was five kids left mostly alone and unsupervised. When the 'teacher' did come in, it was only to lecture us on the evils of public school, and inform us that if we left the sanctum of our private school, we would become either drug addicts or end up pregnant. Perhaps both. So, I was shocked to discover land masses in the Channel. Shocked.

The narration is told through letters, and while I usually don't like epistolary novels, but this one flowed and grabbed me right away. It is a great way to learn about the life of the islanders during the war, and the hardships suffered. The book contains details of the English civilian life during the war, which was very different than the lives of Americans. It was charming and smart, containing both information and entertainment. It's easy to get through, very accessible and enjoyable.

The third book I read was Clive Barker's "The Thief of Always". I read this book ages ago, when I was in junior high, and took this opportunity to re-read it. It was as amazing as I remembered. It's very fable-like, written in a child's voice, though it is not at all a children's book. The tale is haunting and beautiful. Fans of Ray Bradbury's "Something Wicked This Way Comes" will love this book. Barker added his own wonderfully scary drawings to the text, and I wish I had a print of every single one of them. I will share my favorite below:

Fantastic, right?

Today, on our way to Flying Star, we saw this crazy guy riding his black bike at night, dressed all in black, with no lights. He was practically invisible. A lovely conversation ensued:

Gunnar: "Look at that guy. He is definitely on his way to commit a crime. Just look at him. Right? He looks shady.

Me: "I was thinking more like he's gonna get hit by a car, dressed like that.

Gunnar: "Well, ya, but he's still definitely gonna commit a crime.

Me: "Maybe he'll commit a crime and get hit riding away.

Gunnar: "He'll get hit right after committing the crime. Then all the money he stole will be everywhere, flying away down the street.

Me: " The dollar bills will have bloodstains on them.

Gunnar: "It will be very romantic".


Honorable mention: I am halfway through "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" on my new Kindle. I was one of those avowed anti e-reader people, until I tried one, and realized that now on trips I could have thousands of books with me on just one device. Plus I literally have no more shelf space for books. Does this stop me from buying new books? Nope. I just find place to stick the new ones (that's what she said).