"Numbers" can suck my Dangling Participle

Math makes me throw up. A lot. Almost in a literal sense. It is the bane of my educational existence. I just plain suck at it. To make matters worse, there are all of these new fangled shows coming out, making math-y people even more self-righteous in their numberish genius. Shows like "The Big Bang Theory" and "Numbers", both of which feature mathematical geniuses strolling about flaunting their logic and left brainedness (Yes, all of these words are REAL words, I have the degree to declare them as such. So shall it be written.), and making us little english majors feel pretty darn bad about ourselves. Where's OUR show? Why can't WE fight crime with our intellect?

As I have sailed onward through my 100 books, I have created several stunning show ideas based off of this premise. As usual, these ideas will be smattered throughout the book reviews, so as to trick you into reading this whole thing. Let's be honest: if this blog was purely based on books, I would have two followers: my mom and my husband ( FYI: I am starting a petition to ban the word 'hubby' from modern english. It makes me feel like I am married to the guy from According to Jim, but he also wears a bear costumes all the time).

First book: Enchantment, by Orson Scott Card.

I LOVED Ender's Game, so I was pretty eager to read more from this author. This is a very different book as far as setting and plot goes, but it is a really great read. It plays with time-travel, and uses themes such as Russian mythology and a Jewish heritage to weave a rich story drenched in culture and magic. It is a totally different take on the French Sleeping Beauty tale we are usually familiar with, and draws more from the Older "The Sun , the Moon, and Talia", though its is a very different version even from that one. His examination of old pagan religion is very interesting, and you can pick up interesting tidbits of Russian lore in the tale. Fans of Baba Yaga stories will find lots to love here.

So, first show idea: this could be an offshoot of Numbers, if the network decides to run with it. Picture this: Charlie is called on the scene of the crime, expecting to be able to close the case with his usual mathematical flair. But, uh-oh, this killer has left behind clues that only an English major could understand.

Charlie: "The killer left a Crossword puzzle at the scene. The circled letter will reveal a word jumble when solved, which in turn will lead to the next victim. We need an expert."
(cue awesome music, something Led Zeppelin-y, like the intro to "When the Levy Breaks". A gorgeous  female english major strolls in, with one of those pen necklaces like Joan has on MadMen. And Christina Hendricks will also play this character, cuz she's awesomely bomb.)
English Major: "I hear you boys need an expert."
(..Later, back at the precinct, she is scrawling madly on one of those wicked-cool clear dry-erase boards that they always have on the show. It has obscure 19th century book titles and authors all over, with lines going between them)
English Major: 42 Down" Melville's Scarlet crush......"*
-MAD props if anyone can post the answer to this clue in the comments. MAD props. I will give a big shout out to you, and let you name the topic of my next blog).

So that's just one idea, but don't lie: You would go cuh-razy for this show. It would kick CSI in the crotch and make it scream all high pitched and stuff.

The next book that floated my way was World War Z by Max Brooks.

From the guy who brought you "The Zombie Survival Guide", kids. Good stuff. VITAL stuff. My zombie-expert colleague Scott loaned this to me, along with a crap-ton of other zombie books. Who knew there were so many zombie books in the world, right? Pretty frickin' nifty. This book was so well written. It is set up like a compilation of real-life interviews that are taking place after the Zombie-event that almost destroyed the world. Military leaders, doctors, and civilians gaze in retrospect at the whole event, from the first know outbreak all the way to the bitter end. It follows the epidemic globally, and explores some vastly perspectives. He articulates each interview so well that it truly seems as if you are reading the words of very real and diverse individuals. My favorite part? Zombie-fighting dachshunds. Pretty fantastic. Good news: this will be a movie featuring Brad Pitt. No joke. Check it out on IMDB.

Then, I had another Undeadfest with the book "The First Days", first installment of the "As the World Dies" trilogy.

This was a fun adventure full of blood-thirsty corpses and gore galore. Plus, the main characters were girls, and not the "ohmigod, I just fell and broke my leg and now my top's coming off" kind, but actual ass-kicking ladies. The action was cool, and I liked the fact that it follows the efforts of the survivors so closely, but I could have done without all the romance angles. But that's just me. All in all, though, a really fun book.

Next idea: This one will be more of a Sherlock Holmes-ian show. The story will revolve around a literary genius who has spent his whole life shut up in his grand but messy library, reading books. It's modern era, but he has a hard time keeping pace with the times, especailly socially. Very eccentric and brilliant, he finds himself constantly bored by the day-to-day business of every day life, so he amuses himself by helping the police squad track down the serial killer who seems to be committing murders based on literature. For example: the unfaithful wife is found drowned in the ocean by her seaside vacation home (ala "The Awakening). Pretty nifty. eh?

The next book up for el discussione is "The Girl who Played with Fire", the second in Steig Larson's trilogy about Lisbeth Salander. This book would definitely not make sense or be slightly entertaining, but, as a sequel, its great. READ THE FIRST BOOK FIRST. The foreign films of the books are also great, I highly recommend them.

The last book I read was a volume of two short novels by Louisa May Alcott.

 While we might remember her best for sweet little books like "Little Women", she actually wrote many stories of a more 'sensational' nature. These stories center around deception, scandals, and secret children. The first one was called "The Mysterious Key and What it Opened", and the second was called  "Behind a Mask". Both were fun little sensationalist stories that typify 19th century pulp writing. I love sensationalist stoires; all the mortification of female flesh and the dastardly men are just plain fun. If you're looking for a REALLY dark one, try 'A Thrilling and Exciting Account of the Sufferings and Tortures Aflicted on Mister Mortimer Bowers and Miss Sophia Delaplain". This one has amazing disembowelments, cross-dressing, love affairs, and more.Not by Lousia May, but good stuff. The following murder scene for an English major show comes straight from that story:

A man lies in pieces upon the floor. His body has been severed several times all the way through. A white marble statue of the Madonna in prayer stands above him, dripping with scarlet splatter.

 Head Detective: It looks like the statue is rigged.

Loser Newbie detective: Rigged...how?

Head D: There are blades hidden inside. They are pretty damn big, and made of folded steel. Someone spent a lot of time on this whole ting. Anyways, the blades are loaded to spring outwards and slice whoever is close enough. And from the looks of this spatter, he was pretty close. Coulda practically been kissin' her.

English Major Man: Not kissing.

Head D: Pardon?

English M: I said, not kissing. He was hugging her.

Head D: Hugging her?

English M: Yes, hugging her. And I am fairly certain that if you delve into this poor man's background, you will find ties to Cuban crime syndicates. 

Head D: What makes you say that?

English M: The killer has never before been original, he surely has not started thinking for himself at this point. I've read this all before.

RIGHT? These shows are gonna be a hit! The first one will be your average Prime Time Crime Drama, but the second should probably be on Masterpiece Mystery or something. Maybe they will do a Wishbone version of it someday.

I'll let you know when they air. If being a fake psychic detective/ ghost hunter doesn't work out for me, I could always be a TV writer.