Ass Seen on TV..Ooops, I mean 'As' seen on TV.

Five books thus far. Moving, right along in my usual gangsta fashion. But enough about gangstas for this month. This week we will be examining the wide, wonderful world of 'As Seen on TV Products'. This phenomenon is what happens when laissez-faire droplets of rain water the crazy capitalism that grows in the soil of the world economy, an economy fertilized primarily by bored middle class housewives and insomniacs not yet addicted to meth (well, the ones addicted to meth are spending all their money on meth, obviously). Luckily, having one hundred books to cram into a year means that I will never have to resort, in boredom, to watching Billy Mays scream at the top of his lungs about stain-fighting seltzer powder.

First up this round was "Z for Zachariah", by Robert C. O'Brien ( the homie who wrote The Rats of NIMH). The world has been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust, and our narrator finds herself completely isolated, alone, and, as far as she knows, the sole survivor of the tragedy. Her solitude is broken when a mysterious stranger in a radiation suit appears on her land. What turn of events will this stranger bring? The book was excellent, and went at a very fast pace. It brings up questions about survival and isolation that I had never before considered, and gave the reader a strong heroine to see through. I'm sure she could have passed the hours of boredom and solitude with our first amazing Infomercial product: The Fushigi Ball.

So, my biggest beef with this thing is the lameness factor. Did anybody else notice that in ALL of the picture and ads, the ball is DISTINCTLY touching his hands? Check out the one in the right corner. IT is clearly touching both of his thumbs, he's just holding them at a 'magically' awkward angle. The only thing magical about this is how quickly your chance at scoring with the opposite sex will disappear.

On another note, David Bowie does manage to look pretty awesome when he does this shiznit with glass balls:

Next on the ol' reading list was "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle", by Avi.

This Newberry winner was a historical mystery and coming-of-age story, about a young girl, unaccompanied on m merchant vessel, who finds herself accused of murder aboard a merchant vessel. A great sea-worthy novel that actually has a strong female character. It seems that every swashbuckling adventure features a male-only cast (rife with potential for Freudian analysis. Pirates, anyone?). A great girl-centered adventure story all-in=all.

Perhaps Charlotte would have been able to avoid all this accusation trouble if she would have had one of those hearing aids that looked like a blue tooth device. They are one of the 7 Great Wonders of Infomercial products.

The commercial is great; not only does it advertise a 'discreet' way to hear 'what the consarn dag-nabbit' everybody is saying, but it also encourages eavesdropping. The commercial shows a man listening in to women at a party, privately discussing how awesome/hot he is. I would like to point out that if you walked around wearing a Bluetooth headset to parties, the only thing people would be saying about you is what a douche bag lame-ass you are.

Ah, so little time and so many more books. Ok, to summarize the rest:

Matched was awesome. Even though it was another love triangle story, it was so much more. A girl must decide between the 'prefect'. preselected life before her, or learn to choose her own fate and go against everything she has ever know.

"Gathering Blue" was the companion novel to "The Giver". It was pretty good, but not nearly able to stand up to its counterpart. Though it was written with a little more sophistication, its plot was less original and did not hold the shocks and twists of the first.

"Across the Universe" was fantastico. Hard to believe that it was the author's debut. The ship 'Godspeed' has been sent to populate an earth-like planet hundreds of light years away. The journey will take centuries, so the 'colonists' a put in a cryogenic state. Decades before the journey is over, Amy wakes up from her frozen state, because someone has tried to kill her. Well written, taut with mystery, and full of interesting and believable human relationships.

And now for my FAVORITE Infomercial product: The Kinoki Foot Pads. A miracle in a box.

These amazing pads supposedly suck toxins and poisons from your body through the soles of your feet. The makers even claim that they can suck cellulite from your body. Wow. WOW. They turn brown and nasty after wearing them over night, and this is supposedly the toxins and cellulite and other nasty ass crap that should be classified as hazardous waste. BULLCRAP. And just how the hell are they supposed to work?! Did Harry Potter finally stop chasing Voldemort long enough to create magic poison-sucking foot pads with the aid of Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class)?! Everyone knows that wizards are not supposed to magically intervene in the muggle world, so this is impossible.

That's it for this round, kids. Stay off drugs and don't buy crap from infomercials. 

PS-Billy Mays and Rachel Ray should have a shout-talking contest. They are both constantly screaming their lungs off about EVOO or Oxy crap.


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