Voyages aboard the Pequod-A Literary Adventure: Conspiracy Theory: Not just a movie I've never seen...

This week, I was discussing "Chicken Run" as a retelling of the Holocaust (not even kidding) when a sixth grader popped up his hand and said "Miss, you know what's weird about the Beatles?" then proceeded to tell me a very amusing and somewhat confusing story about how Paul McCartney actually died in a car accident in the 80s, but they covered it up by replacing him with a body double, but John Lennon went and spoiled the whole surprise by leaving backwards messages on his albums revealing the big secret. Wow. But after sorting through his misinformation and date-switching, I discovered that there is indeed a fully-thriving conspiracy theory out there about Paul McCartney's secret death. Then, in the next class, a kid writes a reflection article on New World Order conspiracy, mixed with a smattering of evangelical "Left Behind" conspiracy nonsense, with Obama as the anti-christ. This reminded me of several of my favorite crazy conspiracy theories, which I feel obligated to share with my small (and VERY appreciated) audience, between reviews of the myriad of books I am cramming into one blog. Don't worry, I'll only discuss my favorites.

Ok, first up: Storm of Swords. This. Book. Was. MINDBLOWING. It's the fourth in the "Song of Fire and Ice" series, and holy crap, stuff goes down in this here book. This series is a must-read. It is stunning, exciting, meticulously crafted, and there's a tv show being made. Do you really need any other reasons? These books are hefty, too, which means the story really has time to come into its own. It's a chunker with onion thin pages and the thickness of true tome, but it is not over-written in the slightest. The character development is amazing, and the story turned me into a nervous wreck with its tension. Not too fantasy-ish, so it manages to stay out of the Cheese Zone. Though I wouldn't say no to a unicorn now and then.

Now to one of my favorite conspiracy theories of all time. I say David Icke, you say...REPTILE.

From the man who brought you the "New World Order" conspiracy comes another doozy. David Icke has this very detailed theory called "The Reptiod Hypothesis", basically claiming that the world is under a subtle and meticulous siege from shapeshifting Reptilian Aliens. They have replaced many of our world leaders, such as George Bush and even the Queen. What's truly fascinating about David Icke and his whack-a-doodle ideas is that he was once a normal and well-respected man. He was a journalist and a politician. He was a national speaker for the UK's Green party, and some called him "The Greens' Tony Blair". Then, after a few sessions with psychic healers, and a period of time in which he would wear only the color turquoise, he emerged as the face of a whole new kind of crazy.

Next book up: A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess.

I read this book years ago in high school, after I saw the movie, and I picked it up again on a whim. This book has been one of my favorites since the first time I read it. It's written entirely in a strange slang that Burgess created out of Russian, school-boy slang, and a myriad of other languages. Words like "droog", "moloko", and "devochka" are thrown around, but it's easy to catch up with the strange language after a bit. The plot is practically identical to the movie, but since all the narration is rendered in Burgess' own language, it can be harder to see the action at times. That being said, the more graphic scenes of rape, violence, and sex are easier to get through in the book, since the strange language tends to remove us from the intensity of the scene, and you aren't watching it play out before you on film. The major difference between the film and the movie is the ending, since the newer publications of the book has an extra chapter that was with-held from the American publication first time around (but was kept in the British book) HIGHLY recommended to fans of dystopian lit, but only if you have a strong constitution for violence.

Know who killed John Lennon? I do. And it wasn't Mark David Chapman. It was Stephen King. That's right, the horror novelist. At least, according to Steve Lightfoot, author of "Lennon Murder Expose", the truth can be found by examing a government code hidden in news headlines and other news media stories. Other possible candidates he later ruled before concluding the "It" author offed Lennon were Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. For more fun info on this theory, go to: lennonmurdertruth.com and have a look around.

During SBA testing (high school standardized testing bull crap, for those who don't know), my job was the easiest in the world. I sat in a high school library for five hours, reading and waiting for my turn as testing warde, and I plowed though several books while I waited. "Everlost" by Neil Shusterman and "The Forest of hands and Teeth" by some chick.

Everlost was great. It weaves an entirely new mythology of an afterlife, and is extremely well-written. The Forest of Hands and Teeth, however, was a big, huge, cataclysmic disappointment. It started off in a promising direction: an isolated town of people in a forest, fenced off on all sides to keep walking-dead monsters from raiding, very much like Shyamalan's "The Village". What could be cooler than a zombie tale in a medieval forest village? It started of great, but then it became entirely bogged down in a tedious love triangle, and the main chararcter revealed herself to be nothing but a selfish little bitch. The plot and the characters were inconsistent, and it dive-bombed into drudgery as soon as it began to look exciting( That's what she said. BURN!!!!) .

Ready for another great theory? Let's look at Project Blue Beam. According to those who hold to this idea, NASA is working on a vast project that will combine holograms, radio-signal telepathy, and control of natural disasters to engineer. The end goal? Earthquakes and natural disasters will strike worldwide, dislodging and bringing to light several 'archeaological' finds, planted by the government to reshape our understanding of religion as a whole. The holograms will project a Second Coming of Christ, and other religious fugures, and the telepathy will send messages 'from God' into people's brains, which will then be used to control us. This will all be achieved using a network of high tech satellites. This is the craziest thing to hit the press since Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins ever penned up their end-times crap and added the word 'Jesus' to make people think it was biblical.
Here's an educational film that can explain more on the matter:

Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle" was an awesome one from this month's adventure.

His writing is so...Vonnegut. The story is hilarious and terrifying, and his frank rendering of our world and its people is perfection. It doesn't get the attention that Slaughterhouse Five does, but it is quintessential Vonnegut, and a quick read that also has substance. READ IT OR DIE.

Quick summary of the rest of this month's list:

What-the-Dickens by Gregory Maguire. Excellently written, but a terrible story