Ass Seen on TV..Ooops, I mean 'As' seen on TV.

Five books thus far. Moving, right along in my usual gangsta fashion. But enough about gangstas for this month. This week we will be examining the wide, wonderful world of 'As Seen on TV Products'. This phenomenon is what happens when laissez-faire droplets of rain water the crazy capitalism that grows in the soil of the world economy, an economy fertilized primarily by bored middle class housewives and insomniacs not yet addicted to meth (well, the ones addicted to meth are spending all their money on meth, obviously). Luckily, having one hundred books to cram into a year means that I will never have to resort, in boredom, to watching Billy Mays scream at the top of his lungs about stain-fighting seltzer powder.

First up this round was "Z for Zachariah", by Robert C. O'Brien ( the homie who wrote The Rats of NIMH). The world has been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust, and our narrator finds herself completely isolated, alone, and, as far as she knows, the sole survivor of the tragedy. Her solitude is broken when a mysterious stranger in a radiation suit appears on her land. What turn of events will this stranger bring? The book was excellent, and went at a very fast pace. It brings up questions about survival and isolation that I had never before considered, and gave the reader a strong heroine to see through. I'm sure she could have passed the hours of boredom and solitude with our first amazing Infomercial product: The Fushigi Ball.

So, my biggest beef with this thing is the lameness factor. Did anybody else notice that in ALL of the picture and ads, the ball is DISTINCTLY touching his hands? Check out the one in the right corner. IT is clearly touching both of his thumbs, he's just holding them at a 'magically' awkward angle. The only thing magical about this is how quickly your chance at scoring with the opposite sex will disappear.

On another note, David Bowie does manage to look pretty awesome when he does this shiznit with glass balls:

Next on the ol' reading list was "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle", by Avi.

This Newberry winner was a historical mystery and coming-of-age story, about a young girl, unaccompanied on m merchant vessel, who finds herself accused of murder aboard a merchant vessel. A great sea-worthy novel that actually has a strong female character. It seems that every swashbuckling adventure features a male-only cast (rife with potential for Freudian analysis. Pirates, anyone?). A great girl-centered adventure story all-in=all.

Perhaps Charlotte would have been able to avoid all this accusation trouble if she would have had one of those hearing aids that looked like a blue tooth device. They are one of the 7 Great Wonders of Infomercial products.

The commercial is great; not only does it advertise a 'discreet' way to hear 'what the consarn dag-nabbit' everybody is saying, but it also encourages eavesdropping. The commercial shows a man listening in to women at a party, privately discussing how awesome/hot he is. I would like to point out that if you walked around wearing a Bluetooth headset to parties, the only thing people would be saying about you is what a douche bag lame-ass you are.

Ah, so little time and so many more books. Ok, to summarize the rest:

Matched was awesome. Even though it was another love triangle story, it was so much more. A girl must decide between the 'prefect'. preselected life before her, or learn to choose her own fate and go against everything she has ever know.

"Gathering Blue" was the companion novel to "The Giver". It was pretty good, but not nearly able to stand up to its counterpart. Though it was written with a little more sophistication, its plot was less original and did not hold the shocks and twists of the first.

"Across the Universe" was fantastico. Hard to believe that it was the author's debut. The ship 'Godspeed' has been sent to populate an earth-like planet hundreds of light years away. The journey will take centuries, so the 'colonists' a put in a cryogenic state. Decades before the journey is over, Amy wakes up from her frozen state, because someone has tried to kill her. Well written, taut with mystery, and full of interesting and believable human relationships.

And now for my FAVORITE Infomercial product: The Kinoki Foot Pads. A miracle in a box.

These amazing pads supposedly suck toxins and poisons from your body through the soles of your feet. The makers even claim that they can suck cellulite from your body. Wow. WOW. They turn brown and nasty after wearing them over night, and this is supposedly the toxins and cellulite and other nasty ass crap that should be classified as hazardous waste. BULLCRAP. And just how the hell are they supposed to work?! Did Harry Potter finally stop chasing Voldemort long enough to create magic poison-sucking foot pads with the aid of Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class)?! Everyone knows that wizards are not supposed to magically intervene in the muggle world, so this is impossible.

That's it for this round, kids. Stay off drugs and don't buy crap from infomercials. 

PS-Billy Mays and Rachel Ray should have a shout-talking contest. They are both constantly screaming their lungs off about EVOO or Oxy crap.


Check out this awesome contest!

Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, or: Winter of our Discontent

Fell behind in this cuh-razy month. Apparently those two days make a difference. I completed 5 of the 8 books I should have. Many tears were wept, and I dropped caps in a few asses. Lesson one: an upset gansta always drops caps in people's asses. Shanking with shivs is also acceptable, especially when doing hard time or at a job that does not allow fire arms. Lesson two: Shiv (noun)- a homemade instrument of stabbing (definition:mine). Shank (verb)- to stab with a shiv (see previous definition)

Part of this blog will be gangsta-ology. I am well qualified to instruct in this matter, as I am pretty much the most gangsta person I know (or have ever heard of). They call me Vuh-nilluh Xtrakt on the streets.

This entry is gonna cover the whole month. I guess I was too busy pimpin' it to write a weekly entry. Now that my bid-niss be in order, I can get back to blogging. What did I read this month? Here goes:

Clash of Kings. It is part of a series, and a pretty gangsta series at that (in a fantasy nerd gangsta kind of way). This was part two of what will be a five-book series. HOPEFULLY will be, if the author finishes the last one before he passes on. I sincerely hope he does not (for MORE than selfish reasons). The series is NOT, as some claim, the next Lord of the Rings (blasphemers!) but is still pretty stinkin' good. It has a lot of political intrigue, power struggles, a touch of magic n' destiny, a tad of ever-popular incest, and battles, battles, battles. A very good fantasy series for those looking for something less cheesy and more meaty (in a vegetarian sense, of course). Gangsta Lesson 3: Gangstas love battles. Gangstas will love this book. Think drive-by shooting, but from the back of a war steed. 

The next I read was Unwind by Neil Shusterman. FANTASTIC book. Imagine a society that has been ravaged by the Heartland War, a war in which Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life has become a violent force that has cost lives and ripped the nation apart, literally. To quell the fighting, a compromise is reached: no child, born or unborn, can be harmed in any way. Once a child reaches 13, however, they can be 'unwound; if their parents so choose. Unwinding is exactly what it sounds like. Each part of the child is taken aprt and given to a person who needs that organ. EVERY part is used, to the process does not 'legally' cause death. The child is still alive in, just in a divided form. Three teens who are slated for this fate escape. The book does not, as you would assume, side solidly on either side of the life/choice issue, but rather serves as a commentary on the battle that rages on between the two, as well as providing insight into BOTH views. I HIGHLY recommend it.

Really good book. It wasn't as well written as Unwind, but was still great. The world of the novel is a world in which death is no longer an inevitability. Most people take drugs to live forever. This causes problems with over population, so those who choose immortality must sign a pact to never procreate. Those who do are jailed, and their children are sent to work camps/schools to try and atone for their parent's sins. These children are called Surpluses, and the narrator is one such child. She tells the story of growing up to be taught that she is a burden who should have never been born, and must strive her whole life to be useful in some capacity to those who deserved to exist. Gangsta lesson number 4: Do not let the authority keep you down while behind bars. Be the king of your cell block.

After writing a paper on the Musselman of the concentration camps, Elie Wiesel's "Night" seemed a logical reading choice. The story is harrowing. haunting, and something that everyone should read. It portrays not only the horrors of Auschwitz, but the love and loyalty that can exist between father and son even when all else is stripped away.

CS Lewis' "Great Divorce" was a great read, especially for those who enjoyed both Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" and Dante's "Divine Comedy". The picture of the afterlife that CS Lewis presents is beautiful and wonderful, and fully embraces both the idea of a completely loving Divine and the idea of man's unrestrained free will. The setting is only half the book, however. His observations of human behavior is extremely insightful, and his understanding if human relationships is eye opening. One does not need to be a theology student to love this book. Best thing about it/ UNICORNS!!!!!!!

Alright, gangstas, that's it for this month. Like I said, I was too busy making my turf safe and keeping hos in line to read.Gangsta homework for you all to work on: write a dope rhyme, and rob something (not necessarily in that order).

Zombie Seals are Coming.

It's getting closer every day, folks. No country has a defense against it, no person is invulnerable, no one knows the day or the hour, but it is coming, like a thief in the night. That's right... the Zombie Apocalypse. Every day I take a few minutes to prepare, as I rip the day's page of my Zombie Survival Calendar. It is a wonderful reminder to remain ever vigilant, and brush up on a few survival tips. Meanwhile, as I await the inevitable doomsday that the undead will bring, I continue in my goal. After all, we must have something to keep us moving forward in these times.

I met January's quota of at least 8.5 books, so the first month of my voyage went swimmingly. A week's worth of snow days (yay, no teaching!) did help quite a bit in this department, though I did spent much of my flu-ridden, snowbound days watching Star Trek, rather than spending every waking (and sniffling) hour buried in the written word. We all have our weaknesses.

One of the books I devoured (yes, I could not put it down) was James Dashner's "The Maze Runner".

I read this one for the District 13 book club I am a member of. Loved it. When I first found out that the "Maze Runner" had been voted as January's selection, I was disappointed. I had never heard of it, and I got it mixed up with the "Kite Runner". All I could remember hearing about it (the 'Kite Runner') was "touching, compelling, heartwarming, a real emotional journey, blah-di-blah-blah YUCK". Who. Gives. A. Damn. Heartwarming is not up my alley when it comes to reading material. Unless it is about a dog. But a TALKING dog. Because if the dog does not talk, it will inevitably die at the end. This was confirmed today at the book club meeting. I don't fancy reading about dead dogs. So, to recap: no heartwarming crap, no dead dogs. Unicorns: yes. Minotaurs: HELLZ yes. Dead Dogs: NO. Though, undead dogs: yes. Zombie dogs are very exciting.

Anyways, "Maze Runner". IT was awesome. No kites, no heartwarming nonsense, just pure adventure and post-apocalyptic fun. It was a good contrast to "Lord of the Flies", which we read several months ago for District 13. Where "Lord of the Flies" showed a chaotic, violent, anarchist side of male adolescent nature, this book shows a well-ordered, self-regulated group of boys united by the goal of survival and escape. Plot: boy wakes up in an elevator. No memories, no knowledge of where he is. He is transported to the center of a maze, where he finds more boys who arrived in the very same fashion as he, over the previous two years. Why are they there? Can they solve the maze? Why do the doors lock every night, and why do those who get locked out never return? AMAZING. There are two more books in the series, and one has already been released. I will be reading that one FO' SHIZ. Ya, thats right. I'm pretty gangsta like that.

I also read "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larson.

While this book started off slow for the first four chapters, it turned out to be amazing. The first four chapters are REALLY slow though. REALLY. Really. But after that, it zooms off. Just hang on for the first few. The plot was fantastic, the characters were well developed, and the mystery was titillating (tee hee). It does have some pretty gruesome and rough scenes, so it is definitely not for the faint of heart. But c'mon, most of the grandmothers I know love it, so it's nothing too bad. Let's just say I will not recommend it to the high schoolers in my classes in case I get in trouble for forwarding explicit material, but for any consenting adult, you have my thumbs up. The swedish version of the movie is excellent, I highly recommend it. This too is part of a trilogy, and I already have book two on my kindle.

"Feed" by M.T. Anderson was Monday's selection.

It was a pretty quick read, and is EXTREMELY culturally relevant in our present moment. No, it does not talk about the impending Zombie apocalypse, but it does deal with the saturation of technology that we are facing. It shows a future world where everyone who is anyone is connected to the internet within their very brains. Every second of every day, you are hooked into the Feed, chatting with friends, shopping, getting news, learning the trend of the second, and being slammed with advertisements. Imagine a bio-implant of Facebook, and you've got the right idea. It seems so likely, and so close to us now. The narrator's voice was the weak point. In an attempt to capture a true speaking-type voice for the storyteller, the writer sacrificed fluidity, and the book seemed at times clunky, choppy, and forced, hard to immerse yourself in.

In order to keep ourselves on our toes, Gunnar and I often discuss zombie hypotheticals. This weeks discussion question: You, a child, and a baby seal are in a deserted and looted grocery store. All three of you are reaching toward the last can of food (beans, if you were wondering). You have your trusty wooden club in hand. How do you proceed? My answer: Club the child, grab the beans, and the seal pup, and raise the seal as your own.

                                           Who could resist such a face?

The seal would be trained to fight the Undead seals that may escape from the zoo. After all, how can we be sure that the virus will not spread to animals as well?

Zombie seals are coming. You'd better be ready.

Cetology (or: That's What She Said)

So, I have some catching up to do: somewhere in the upcoming weeks, I need to fit in two extra books, due to a Mad Men dvd binge last week. Wonderful show, by the way. Christina Hendricks is definitely my straight lady crush.

This week, I read 3.5 books. The half book will not be discussed in length, but will be given honorable mention (which we all know is about as meaningful as a new law to protect dodo birds; I heartily scoff at honorable mentions. Scoff, scoff). Anyways, on with the show.

The first book I read is "Girl in the Arena"by Lisa Haines. This book was on a list of nominated possibilities for the District 13 book club I'm in, and even though it did not get elected for this month's reading, it looked so interesting that I had to read it. Though the first chapters promised me an intense narrative full of blood and vengeance, it did not really follow through. Though it was well written, the story just took too long to get into full thrust. I was left a little wanting (that's what she said). The commentary it offered was admirable, but a little less subtle than the book I felt it was trying to follow: The Hunger Games. Fans of Collin's subtly but powerfully wrought political message will feel like the author doesn't trust us enough to 'get it'. Started off promising, but in the end, it didn't quite deliver (that's what she said).

The second book I read was "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society". The title conceals a goo story, let me assure you. It tells the story of a group of people who lived through the German Occupation of the England's Channel Islands. Apparently there are islands in the English Channel, and apparently people lived on them. People may still live there today. No one knows for certain, but science is looking for the answer. I had no clue about these islands thanks to a deplorable geography education. My class was five kids left mostly alone and unsupervised. When the 'teacher' did come in, it was only to lecture us on the evils of public school, and inform us that if we left the sanctum of our private school, we would become either drug addicts or end up pregnant. Perhaps both. So, I was shocked to discover land masses in the Channel. Shocked.

The narration is told through letters, and while I usually don't like epistolary novels, but this one flowed and grabbed me right away. It is a great way to learn about the life of the islanders during the war, and the hardships suffered. The book contains details of the English civilian life during the war, which was very different than the lives of Americans. It was charming and smart, containing both information and entertainment. It's easy to get through, very accessible and enjoyable.

The third book I read was Clive Barker's "The Thief of Always". I read this book ages ago, when I was in junior high, and took this opportunity to re-read it. It was as amazing as I remembered. It's very fable-like, written in a child's voice, though it is not at all a children's book. The tale is haunting and beautiful. Fans of Ray Bradbury's "Something Wicked This Way Comes" will love this book. Barker added his own wonderfully scary drawings to the text, and I wish I had a print of every single one of them. I will share my favorite below:

Fantastic, right?

Today, on our way to Flying Star, we saw this crazy guy riding his black bike at night, dressed all in black, with no lights. He was practically invisible. A lovely conversation ensued:

Gunnar: "Look at that guy. He is definitely on his way to commit a crime. Just look at him. Right? He looks shady.

Me: "I was thinking more like he's gonna get hit by a car, dressed like that.

Gunnar: "Well, ya, but he's still definitely gonna commit a crime.

Me: "Maybe he'll commit a crime and get hit riding away.

Gunnar: "He'll get hit right after committing the crime. Then all the money he stole will be everywhere, flying away down the street.

Me: " The dollar bills will have bloodstains on them.

Gunnar: "It will be very romantic".


Honorable mention: I am halfway through "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" on my new Kindle. I was one of those avowed anti e-reader people, until I tried one, and realized that now on trips I could have thousands of books with me on just one device. Plus I literally have no more shelf space for books. Does this stop me from buying new books? Nope. I just find place to stick the new ones (that's what she said).

The First Week Aboard the Pequod

So, three books down for the New Year thus far, and it's still smooth sailing. No surprise there, however, considering that as I have been off both work and school, the only thing to truly contend with reading time is Mad Men on dvd. Oh, the struggles (I did get through season one of Mad Men, by the way. Fantastic. Usually if a show doesn't have vampires, wizards, or aliens, I'm not interested. This show, however lacking in the supernatural it may be, is nonetheless excellent).

The first book I harpooned was "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". The undead and classical literature: what better combination could there be? This book took the original text of Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" and mixed in a delightful zombie apocalypse. Elizabeth no longer simply sharp-witted, for now she wields a katana as sharp as her tongue. She is highly skilled in zombie-slaying, as is Mr. Darcy (naturally). This book was tremendously funny. If you've always wanted to read Jane Austen but find yourself unable to immerse yourself in the subtleties of 19th century class-humor, this is a great way to read the book and still be entertained (though, for the record, the original is still my favorite of the two). It's a great way for you boys to enjoy it, however. You'll get the benefit of knowing the basic points, and some of the finer points, of Jane Austen (a good way to impress the ladies) but get a healthy dose of blood and gore.

The second whale that I landed was "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer". This book was dark, macabre, and elegant. It also had touches of humor, and was laced with magical realism. And, as usual, the book was better than the movie. You're left with less of a "What the hell was that ending?!' feeling, because the book sets it up a whole lot better. Not for those who like happy stories. It is fully dark,and pretty disturbing. Of course, these attributes only recommended it further to my twisted tastes. The descriptions were so  luscious, and you feel as if you could smell all the scents it lingers on. Very 'Poe' in its story. I thought it was wonderful, engaging, and was crafted delicately and beautifully.

The third whale to be pulled up onto my deck (that sounds a bit PG-13, doesn't it?) was "Witch and Wizard". The book was a graduation gift from a friend (Hi, Rebecca! Shout out. Raise the roof, and all those nineties phrases) I love YA literature (guess that's good, seeing as I'm gonna be teaching high school english), and this was a great example of why.  It was so much fun, I absolutely could not put it down, and I can't wait to read the second one. It was also a nice light break from the darkness of "Perfume". It is a great mix of two of my favorite genres: Dystopian literature and Fantasy. The characters are well rendered, and the story wonderful. It switches between the voice of the two main characters, a brother and sister named Whit and Wisty, who find themselves in possession of powers they never dreamed of. It moves very smoothly between both points of view, and weaves a world that is tangible and frightening.

Next on the list, I have "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", and "The Bleak House". I have yet to decided on the third. Bring on the novels! Plus, a healthy dose of red wine and coffee (at the appropriate times of day, of course. Wine with breakfast and coffee only after 10 pm). For the antioxidants, wink wink.

By the way, does anybody know why there seems to be a sharply askew orange-to-blue ratio in a bag of Pixy Stix? Far too few blue. This has long been weighing on my mind. I wish there were a way to buy a bag of only blue and purple. Does anybody really even like the orange ones? Shame on you if you do, its almost as bad as preferring oatmeal raisin to chocolate chip. Sick bastards.

Why, for god's sake?! And what the heck is a Pequod?

My New Year's resolution this year will be to read 100 books in 2011. That's about 2.5 books a week.  Merciful Zeus, but that's a crapload! After reading "Moby Dick" in the span of a few days, I apparently caught the 'monomania' that Ahab is plagued by (though thank the gods neither of my legs has been chewed off by a whale), and in my madness, I decided to set off on my own voyage and try to land 100 books in a year. I might die.

Explanation for the crazy theme: Melville's "Moby Dick" is all about the problem of representation, and trying to pin down the meaning of a book (and you thought it was about whales, silly ol' you). The whale is (drumroll, please)....a book. Not literally, of course, that would be a silly novel indeed. Imagine reading the whole damned book only to find out, at the end, that Ahab drags a wet novel onto the deck of the Pequod. It would be almost as bad as the finale of 'The Sopranos", kind of a middle finger from the author. I digress. Back to whale = book business. Books/whales are mysterious things: it is hard to observe their true nature within their environment. They are always obscured and submerged within their surroundings. In order to really get to the nitty gritty mechanics, we have to pull it out of the water, dissect it, and extract its meaning, or 'spermaceti', in the case of the whale (oh yes, lots of sperm is bandied about in the novel; double entendre, anyone?).  This can be a dangerous and deadly, as in the case of (SPOILER ALERT!) the Pequod. BookWhales have a tendency to thrash about and refuse to be taken easily.

So, I going all-aboard into my adventure, and seeking to conquer 100 BookWhales this year. Will it end in ruins? Will I find myself floating atop a coffin amongst the wreckage of my ship? Or will I return to land victorious covered in sp... well, let's not go there. Stay tuned to see if I survive!

Random fact: "Starbuck's", our most beloved parasitic yet oh-so-delicious coffee chain is named after a character in Moby Dick. One of the founders orginally wanted to call it "Pequod's" after the ship, but a friend suggested that the name might not be the best choice. As my friend Katie would say, "Anyone wanna head to "Peqoud's" for a Spermaceti Latte?". Mmm, Frothy goodness.