Rock'em Suck 'em Robots

Well, it's been a long time since I've posted. I'm a slacker that way. I've been reading this whole time, but even that has fallen behind. Looks like I'm gonna have to cram approximately a crap ton of book into one blog entry. I'll only discuss my favorites (or least favorites, as it were, in some cases. Because I adore bitching about bad books). The official list of the books I read this summer: Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, Leviathan and Behemoth, both by Scott Westerfield, Harry Potter 1-5 (AGAIN), Life of Pi by Yann Martel, Unicorns v Zombies which is an anthology, Pygmy and Snuff which are both by Chuck Palahniuk, Ruby Red by Kerstin Geir, Tomorrow when the War began by James Marsden, Hourglass by Myra McEntire, St Lucy’s School for Girls Raised by Wolves by Karen Russell, and The Monstrumologist by Rick Yancy. 17 books in all. That's only a few behind schedule, actually. So not too terrible.

So, this summer, in all my slackerness, I did happen to catch a few interesting film trailers. I promptly forgot all about the interesting ones and instead became fixated on the god-awful ones. The one that stuck most painfully in my sun-softened mind was "Real Steel". That movie looks like a hot mess. And now you must share my pain. Here is the trailer, implanted in this blog to infect your mind:

What a crapfest. It's like a freeway accident....or a Rebecca Black music video. So so so gory and awful, but you just keep watching, even rewinding it, even though it makes you feel tainted inside. And you even throw up a little. Then make your best friend watch it, so they feel as bad as you do. OR you make your blog readers watch it. Suckers.

Like the aforementioned video by Miss Black, this seems to have started with an innocent childhood dream. Her dream was to be a singer, and the screenplay writers dream was to have his Rock em' Sock em' Robots come to life.

Picture little Johnny Pickhisnose, someday to be Johnny Writecrap. He sits alone and friendless in his dark, musty room. The walls are covered in peeling cowboy wallpaper, and his only toy, his faithful fighting robots, sit before him on the splintery wood floor. Below him, he can hear his amphetamine amped mother vacuuming and swearing under her breath. He wishes with all his heart that he had a friend to be the blue robot. Then he could truly play the games as it was meant to be.

Poor Johnny. No friends.

He leans in to the robots, whispering "You are my only friends". Wiping away a tear, he adds "I wish you were real."

So, instead of growing up to be a serial killer, a lil' John Wayne Gacy, he channels all this rage and pain into writing a really bad movie script. And we are left to deal with the garbage.

He should have just shoved bodies in the crawlspace and been done with it, in my opinion.

This led me down the rabbit trail of random thoughts to discover that there are a myriad of wonderful children's games out there that I am dying to see made into films.

Ok, random subject change: First book to deserve my ever-esteemed acclaim: The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman:

One of the best things about this book were the fantastic illustrations by Dave McKean, one of my FAVORITE artists. THe book itself was excellent as well; one of those rarities that appeals to children and adults. It's one of those darker books that some macabre little kids just find fascinating. I was definitely one of those kids. I uses to rewind the heart-ripping-out scene in "Temple of Doom" over and over again as a child (but Mary Poppins scared the bloody hell out of me; go figure).

Ok, game to movie time, a relief from book reviews: Candyland. Now this movie will be EPIC. It will be the Lord of the Rings of the confectionary world. King Candy has been kidnapped by the evil Lord Licorice, who desires not only the Sugar Throne, but also lusts for the sweet sparkling flesh of Queen Frostine. Princess Lolly, Plumpy, and Gramma Nut must unite the kingdom against Lord Licorice. after many epic battles, they arrive at the castle to find Lord Licorice on the throne. They free King Candy and get ready to overthrow the bastard, when, just as victory seems certain, Princess Lolly slips behind King Candy and slits his throat with a piece of marzipan. WHAT A TWIST. Then, there will be a sequel.....

Next book up on the chopping block: Life of Pi.

This book was beautifully rendered. The descriptions were gorgeous yet simple, and the whole book had an almost folk-tale quality to it, though elegantly elevated above the stark simplicity that folk tales often have. The onyl beef I had with this book was the fact that the opening, the narrator's claim that the story will 'make you believe in God' had very little to do with the story. The book opened up with an interesting look into Eastern religions and a synthesis the narrator strive to find between them, but these strands don't get woven back into the story very well. They just tantalize you, then wind away. Still, it was an excellent book, and I definitely recommend it.

Remember Chutes and Ladders? It was a child's board game meant to teach us about choices and consequences. If you rolled the dice and landed on a square where a good decision was depicted, you got to climb up a ladder and get ahead. If you landed on a 'bad choice' square, you had to go down a chute and fall behind. This could easily be adapted into an awesome horror/slasher film, with just some minor tweaking. And by minor tweaking, I mean a little bit of meth.

A brilliant killer has decided, in a very Saw-esque move, to create a vast labyrinth in which he will trap his victims. They will be forced to escape or perish within. Along the way to escape, they are forced to confront several decision-making challenges, in which they must choose the correct action, or suffer the fatal and gory consequences by sliding down a chute to their doom. Rob Zombie will direct this, of course. I want intestines and grey matter spewing everywhere. And this will be one of those 4-d experience movies. where you feel the blood spatter and smell the decaying bodies.

This picture has nothing to do with anything on this blog. I am just scared of clowns.


Next book: Hourglass by Myra McEntire. HATED it. WAY too much romance. It was like a teen romance novel with a few paranormal details thrown in, and no real character development to speak of. The characters seem to fall in love for no other reason than physical attraction, then its like BAM, risk your lives for each other. The character's every thought was an obsessive half-formed idea of the person she was 'in love' with, despite all the other insane things happening around her. And they try to put a little triangle tension in there just for the hell of it. BLEGH. But it had a cool cover.

The last two books I really like are gonna be tacked in real quick:

St Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by WOlves was a brilliant collection of strange and beautiful stories. I loved every story. It's an adult book, but most of the stories are written through a child's perspective. There's quite a bit of magical realism, and its handled very well, not too overdone. Though I must say, some stories seemed to lack an anding; they just sort of dropped of, right at their most interesting points.

No complaints about this one; it was excellent. It was also one of the goriest books I have ever read. Even compared to a lot of the zombie books I've enjoyed. Well written, well paced, and hard to put down.  If you like Frankenstein, then this is a MUST read. 'nuff said.

THey should totally make a movie out of Hi-ho Cherry-O.

It could be a probing look at child labor and agriculture. I could see it being featured at Sundance.

Some other people out there have also applied their brain power (which may or may not be better directed else where) into the fascinating realm of games as film. These guys did a trailer for MineSweeper:

The one for Tetris actually looks like a pretty kick-ass movie:

Stay G, people.