Conspiracy Theory: Not just a movie I've never seen...

This week, I was discussing "Chicken Run" as a retelling of the Holocaust (not even kidding) when a sixth grader popped up his hand and said "Miss, you know what's weird about the Beatles?" then proceeded to tell me a very amusing and somewhat confusing story about how Paul McCartney actually died in a car accident in the 80s, but they covered it up by replacing him with a body double, but John Lennon went and spoiled the whole surprise by leaving backwards messages on his albums revealing the big secret. Wow. But after sorting through his misinformation and date-switching, I discovered that there is indeed a fully-thriving conspiracy theory out there about Paul McCartney's secret death. Then, in the next class, a kid writes a reflection article on New World Order conspiracy, mixed with a smattering of evangelical "Left Behind" conspiracy nonsense, with Obama as the anti-christ. This reminded me of several of my favorite crazy conspiracy theories, which I feel obligated to share with my small (and VERY appreciated) audience, between reviews of the myriad of books I am cramming into one blog. Don't worry, I'll only discuss my favorites.

Ok, first up: Storm of Swords. This. Book. Was. MINDBLOWING. It's the fourth in the "Song of Fire and Ice" series, and holy crap, stuff goes down in this here book. This series is a must-read. It is stunning, exciting, meticulously crafted, and there's a tv show being made. Do you really need any other reasons? These books are hefty, too, which means the story really has time to come into its own. It's a chunker with onion thin pages and the thickness of true tome, but it is not over-written in the slightest. The character development is amazing, and the story turned me into a nervous wreck with its tension. Not too fantasy-ish, so it manages to stay out of the Cheese Zone. Though I wouldn't say no to a unicorn now and then.

Now to one of my favorite conspiracy theories of all time. I say David Icke, you say...REPTILE.

From the man who brought you the "New World Order" conspiracy comes another doozy. David Icke has this very detailed theory called "The Reptiod Hypothesis", basically claiming that the world is under a subtle and meticulous siege from shapeshifting Reptilian Aliens. They have replaced many of our world leaders, such as George Bush and even the Queen. What's truly fascinating about David Icke and his whack-a-doodle ideas is that he was once a  normal and well-respected man. He was a journalist and a politician. He was a national speaker for the UK's Green party, and some called him "The Greens' Tony Blair". Then, after a few sessions with psychic healers, and a period of time in which he would wear only the color turquoise, he emerged as the face of a whole new kind of crazy.

Next book up: A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess.

I read this book years ago in high school, after I saw the movie, and I picked it up again on a whim. This book has been one of my favorites since the first time I read it. It's written entirely in a strange slang that Burgess created out of Russian, school-boy slang, and a myriad of other languages. Words like "droog", "moloko", and "devochka" are thrown around, but it's easy to catch up with the strange language after a bit. The plot is practically identical to the movie, but since all the narration is rendered in Burgess' own language, it can be harder to see the action at times. That being said, the more graphic scenes of rape, violence, and sex are easier to get through in the book, since the strange language tends to remove us from the intensity of the scene, and you aren't watching it play out before you on film. The major difference between the film and the movie is the ending, since the newer publications of the book has an extra chapter that was with-held from the American publication first time around (but was kept in the British book) HIGHLY recommended to fans of dystopian lit, but only if you have a strong constitution for violence.

Know who killed John Lennon? I do. And it wasn't Mark David Chapman. It was Stephen King. That's right, the horror novelist. At least, according to Steve Lightfoot, author of "Lennon Murder Expose", the truth can be found by examing a government code hidden in news headlines and other  news media stories. Other possible candidates he later ruled before concluding the "It" author offed Lennon were Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. For more fun info on this theory, go to: lennonmurdertruth.com and have a look around.

During SBA testing (high school standardized testing bull crap, for those who don't know), my job was the easiest in the world. I sat in a high school library for five hours, reading and waiting for my turn as testing warde, and I plowed though several books while I waited. "Everlost" by Neil Shusterman and "The Forest of hands and Teeth" by some chick.

Everlost was great. It weaves an entirely new mythology of an afterlife, and is extremely well-written. The Forest of Hands and Teeth, however, was a big, huge, cataclysmic disappointment. It started off in a promising direction: an isolated town of people in a forest, fenced off on all sides to keep walking-dead monsters from raiding, very much like Shyamalan's "The Village". What could be cooler than a zombie tale in a medieval forest village? It started of great, but then it became entirely bogged down in a tedious love triangle, and the main chararcter revealed herself to be nothing but a selfish little bitch. The plot and the characters were inconsistent, and it dive-bombed into drudgery as soon as it began to look exciting( That's what she said. BURN!!!!) .

Ready for another great theory? Let's look at Project Blue Beam. According to those who hold to this idea, NASA is working on a vast project that will combine holograms, radio-signal telepathy, and control of natural disasters to engineer. The end goal? Earthquakes and natural disasters will strike worldwide,  dislodging and bringing to light several 'archeaological' finds, planted by the government to reshape our understanding of religion as a whole. The holograms will project a Second Coming of Christ, and other religious fugures, and the telepathy will send messages 'from God' into people's brains, which will then be used to control us. This will all be achieved using a network of high tech satellites. This is the craziest thing to hit the press since Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins ever penned up their end-times crap and added the word 'Jesus' to make people think it was biblical.
Here's an educational film that can explain more on the matter:

Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle" was an awesome one from this month's adventure.

His writing is so...Vonnegut. The story is hilarious and terrifying, and his frank rendering of our world and its people is perfection. It doesn't get the attention that Slaughterhouse Five does, but it is quintessential Vonnegut, and a quick read that also has substance. READ IT OR DIE.

Quick summary of the rest of this month's list:

What-the-Dickens by Gregory Maguire. Excellently written, but a terrible story

The Downsiders by Niel Shusterman- great read, good YA magical realism meets dystopian.

The Amulet of Samarkand- first book in a  YA trilogy, and I definitely want to read more. Funny, magical, and well-written.

I did it. Sorry it's so long, I had to cram it all in at once (that's what he said!), because moving houses had me crazy busy this month.

Zombies vs Unicorns

In honor of the next book on my reading list, we will be examining the epic question, who would be more ass-kicky when thrust into battle against one another? Zombies or Unicorns? Feel free to weigh in with your own evidence in the comments below. I should warn you, however, that anyone who disagrees with my all-knowing, impartial, flawless, and adorable opinion is a cotton headed ninny-muggins.

The first book I read was "The Wide Sargasso Sea", by Jean Rhys.

For any fans of "Jane Eyre", this is a MUST read. Remember that crazy bi-otch that Mr. Rochester keeps locked up in the attic? This is her story. It follows her from childhood, charting the progress of her madness through her bloodline, and the sorrows of her youth. It also gives an interesting account of life of slave owners in the islands after slavery was abolished. The descriptions are vivid and opulent, and the narrative is haunting and well-crafted. Jean Rhys tells the tale that has been crying to be written since 1847.
Any-who, on to our first pieces of evidence for our glorious battle scenario:
As we all know, both zombies and unicorns are, to a certain degree, immortal. They do not die in conventional ways. Unicorns, for example, can be killed, but old age or disease will never take them (The Last Unicorn, book, 1968). But just how immortal are zombies? According to some well researched sources, Zombies do not only die from having their brains destroyed, but they can also starve to death (28 Days Later, 2002). Zombies need flesh/brains to survive, whereas unicorns can simply live off of moonbeams and starshine, if they wish (A Swiftly Tilting Planet, 1978). It seems, then, that unicorns are a bit more immortal than zombies. The score so far: Unicorns-1, Zombies-0.

The next book I read was "Deerskin", by Robin McKinley.

 Most people know the basic canon of fairy tales: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc, and Robin McKinely has adapted and retold many of these fairy tales in a fresh and wonderful way. But most people will not be familiar with the fairy tale that she re-weaves in Deerskin. The original tale, "Donkeyskin" is usually left out of most children's collections and not often discussed due to the disturbing and violent nature of its subject matter. Apparently incest and incest is not the most popular topic these days. And unlike Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood, and the other canonized tales, this one is a little harder to clean up. Here's the gist: The Queen, who is the most beautiful woman in the world, dies an early death, and makes her husband promise to never remarry someone who is less beautiful than she was, knowing that no one will rival her beauty. After going half mad with grief, the king one day sees his daughter, and, realizing that she is as beautiful as her mother was, falls in love with her. The daughter, after experiencing the full thrust of her father's madness and lust, flees the kingdom to escape. McKinley's version of this story is amazing. The descriptions are beautiful, the characters are wonderfully real, and the relationships she writes about are rendered in a tangible and lovely way, especially the relationship between humans and animals. If you love dogs, you MUST read this. If you love fairy tales, run out and grab this book right now.
Thought you might also like to know some of the secrets of the REAL fairy tales. In the early Red Riding Hood, the girl is tricked into eating her grandmother's flesh and drinking her blood, and then slowly strips down for the wolf before climbing into bed with her. FOR REALS, ya'll. In te early version of Sleeping Beauty, the prince comes upon the dozing princes and gets so 'excited' by her beauty that he, well.....takes a few liberties with her sleeping self. She awakes after her babies have been born. The princes wife (yup, he's married) finds out, and makes an attempt to eat the children. Fun with cannibalism, boys and girls. We also have a nice stripping scene in this one as well. In Cinderella, the stepsisters have their eyes pecked out by birds, and in Snow White, the evil queen has her feet forced into molten hot iron clad shoes until she burns up. And those are the parts you won't hear in class. If you want a REALLY gory story, check out "Bluebeard" and its variations. Buckets-o-blood and many fair young corpses. It's also called the Robber Bridegroom.

Speaking of corpses, back to the argument at hand. Let us examine the powers of zombies and unicorns: Unicorns have healing powers, powers against poisons, and, according to some legends they can even fly. Some legends also attribute them with pan-dimensional qualities and teleportation. They are also very strong and swift, making them fierce fighters.Check out this 13th century quote from 'Le Bestiaire Divin de Guillaume'  :"The unicorn has but one horn in the middle of its forehead. It is the only animal that ventures to attack the elephant; and so sharp is the nail of its foot, that with one blew it can rip the belly of that beast."
Crazy shit, right? Them unicorns be KILLIN' some beasts! But they do have a weakness for beautiful young girls. If they see a pretty face, they just have to go lay their head down on that fair lap and nestle in for some mane stroking and songs. And what about zombies? They seem to feel no pain from attack, so that's a pretty bad ass advantage. They only die if their brain is demolished. But they seems to lack any cognitive capabilities beyond mere instinct and bloodlust. They seem to stumble almost blindly after their prey. Most of them are slow, but even when they are wicked fast, their powers just don't seem to match up to a unicorn's magical-ness. Score: Unicorns: 2, Zombies: 0

 "Persepolis" by Marjane Satrapi was the next one to cross my path.

This one wasn't your average novel, it's actually a bit closer to a graphic novel. The text is paired with beautifully simple black-and-white drawings. It's biographical, so I guess it's more of a Graphic Memoir. Marji is a young girl when the Islamic revolution...
(Ohmigod, I just found gum on the butt of my oants. Probably from the movie theatre. Yuck, I'll be right back. Gonna go soak this sucker in goo-gone).
Ok, I'm back. Anyways, she very young when the Islamic revolution hits Tehran. Because she grew up in a fairly liberal free-thinking family, the change is quite hard for her. She laments about her education being taken form her, and about being confined behind a veil. She can no longer listen to her music, go to school with her guy friends, or do anything that is perceived as either western or opulent. Her family continues to fight the these changes, and she joins in despite the risk. It is a very honest account, from some one who lived though these events on the ground level. My favorite part of the text was the simple yet profound spiritual experience that the author had as a young girl, as well as her relationship with her family.

The last book that I read was Ray Bradbury's "The Illustrated Man". Since I love Ray Bradbury, and I'm a big fan of body art, this seemed an appropriate choice.

This is more of a collection of stories, united through the art on the man's body. Ray Bradbury is a fantastic author, and his stories are amazing, and also wonderfully hopeless. The worlds he paints are exquisite and riddled with shadows and pain. A perfect moody piece, with bits of bright hope sprinkled throughout. I am sure, too, that Ray Bradbury would support my conclusion that Unicorns beat Zombies! Yes, when all facts are weighed, and all the evidence is examined (we did but a brief look in this blog), the rainbow-y goodness of magical unicorns blast away the stumbling zombies. Unicorns are obviously impervious to the zombie virus ( see 'healing powers' in earlier section) and have more strength and ingenuity than zombies can ever hope to attain.

For more on unicorn battles, please view this educational film: