Ass Seen on TV..Ooops, I mean 'As' seen on TV.

Five books thus far. Moving, right along in my usual gangsta fashion. But enough about gangstas for this month. This week we will be examining the wide, wonderful world of 'As Seen on TV Products'. This phenomenon is what happens when laissez-faire droplets of rain water the crazy capitalism that grows in the soil of the world economy, an economy fertilized primarily by bored middle class housewives and insomniacs not yet addicted to meth (well, the ones addicted to meth are spending all their money on meth, obviously). Luckily, having one hundred books to cram into a year means that I will never have to resort, in boredom, to watching Billy Mays scream at the top of his lungs about stain-fighting seltzer powder.

First up this round was "Z for Zachariah", by Robert C. O'Brien ( the homie who wrote The Rats of NIMH). The world has been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust, and our narrator finds herself completely isolated, alone, and, as far as she knows, the sole survivor of the tragedy. Her solitude is broken when a mysterious stranger in a radiation suit appears on her land. What turn of events will this stranger bring? The book was excellent, and went at a very fast pace. It brings up questions about survival and isolation that I had never before considered, and gave the reader a strong heroine to see through. I'm sure she could have passed the hours of boredom and solitude with our first amazing Infomercial product: The Fushigi Ball.

So, my biggest beef with this thing is the lameness factor. Did anybody else notice that in ALL of the picture and ads, the ball is DISTINCTLY touching his hands? Check out the one in the right corner. IT is clearly touching both of his thumbs, he's just holding them at a 'magically' awkward angle. The only thing magical about this is how quickly your chance at scoring with the opposite sex will disappear.

On another note, David Bowie does manage to look pretty awesome when he does this shiznit with glass balls:

Next on the ol' reading list was "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle", by Avi.

This Newberry winner was a historical mystery and coming-of-age story, about a young girl, unaccompanied on m merchant vessel, who finds herself accused of murder aboard a merchant vessel. A great sea-worthy novel that actually has a strong female character. It seems that every swashbuckling adventure features a male-only cast (rife with potential for Freudian analysis. Pirates, anyone?). A great girl-centered adventure story all-in=all.

Perhaps Charlotte would have been able to avoid all this accusation trouble if she would have had one of those hearing aids that looked like a blue tooth device. They are one of the 7 Great Wonders of Infomercial products.

The commercial is great; not only does it advertise a 'discreet' way to hear 'what the consarn dag-nabbit' everybody is saying, but it also encourages eavesdropping. The commercial shows a man listening in to women at a party, privately discussing how awesome/hot he is. I would like to point out that if you walked around wearing a Bluetooth headset to parties, the only thing people would be saying about you is what a douche bag lame-ass you are.

Ah, so little time and so many more books. Ok, to summarize the rest:

Matched was awesome. Even though it was another love triangle story, it was so much more. A girl must decide between the 'prefect'. preselected life before her, or learn to choose her own fate and go against everything she has ever know.

"Gathering Blue" was the companion novel to "The Giver". It was pretty good, but not nearly able to stand up to its counterpart. Though it was written with a little more sophistication, its plot was less original and did not hold the shocks and twists of the first.

"Across the Universe" was fantastico. Hard to believe that it was the author's debut. The ship 'Godspeed' has been sent to populate an earth-like planet hundreds of light years away. The journey will take centuries, so the 'colonists' a put in a cryogenic state. Decades before the journey is over, Amy wakes up from her frozen state, because someone has tried to kill her. Well written, taut with mystery, and full of interesting and believable human relationships.

And now for my FAVORITE Infomercial product: The Kinoki Foot Pads. A miracle in a box.

These amazing pads supposedly suck toxins and poisons from your body through the soles of your feet. The makers even claim that they can suck cellulite from your body. Wow. WOW. They turn brown and nasty after wearing them over night, and this is supposedly the toxins and cellulite and other nasty ass crap that should be classified as hazardous waste. BULLCRAP. And just how the hell are they supposed to work?! Did Harry Potter finally stop chasing Voldemort long enough to create magic poison-sucking foot pads with the aid of Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class)?! Everyone knows that wizards are not supposed to magically intervene in the muggle world, so this is impossible.

That's it for this round, kids. Stay off drugs and don't buy crap from infomercials. 

PS-Billy Mays and Rachel Ray should have a shout-talking contest. They are both constantly screaming their lungs off about EVOO or Oxy crap.


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Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, or: Winter of our Discontent

Fell behind in this cuh-razy month. Apparently those two days make a difference. I completed 5 of the 8 books I should have. Many tears were wept, and I dropped caps in a few asses. Lesson one: an upset gansta always drops caps in people's asses. Shanking with shivs is also acceptable, especially when doing hard time or at a job that does not allow fire arms. Lesson two: Shiv (noun)- a homemade instrument of stabbing (definition:mine). Shank (verb)- to stab with a shiv (see previous definition)

Part of this blog will be gangsta-ology. I am well qualified to instruct in this matter, as I am pretty much the most gangsta person I know (or have ever heard of). They call me Vuh-nilluh Xtrakt on the streets.

This entry is gonna cover the whole month. I guess I was too busy pimpin' it to write a weekly entry. Now that my bid-niss be in order, I can get back to blogging. What did I read this month? Here goes:

Clash of Kings. It is part of a series, and a pretty gangsta series at that (in a fantasy nerd gangsta kind of way). This was part two of what will be a five-book series. HOPEFULLY will be, if the author finishes the last one before he passes on. I sincerely hope he does not (for MORE than selfish reasons). The series is NOT, as some claim, the next Lord of the Rings (blasphemers!) but is still pretty stinkin' good. It has a lot of political intrigue, power struggles, a touch of magic n' destiny, a tad of ever-popular incest, and battles, battles, battles. A very good fantasy series for those looking for something less cheesy and more meaty (in a vegetarian sense, of course). Gangsta Lesson 3: Gangstas love battles. Gangstas will love this book. Think drive-by shooting, but from the back of a war steed. 

The next I read was Unwind by Neil Shusterman. FANTASTIC book. Imagine a society that has been ravaged by the Heartland War, a war in which Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life has become a violent force that has cost lives and ripped the nation apart, literally. To quell the fighting, a compromise is reached: no child, born or unborn, can be harmed in any way. Once a child reaches 13, however, they can be 'unwound; if their parents so choose. Unwinding is exactly what it sounds like. Each part of the child is taken aprt and given to a person who needs that organ. EVERY part is used, to the process does not 'legally' cause death. The child is still alive in, just in a divided form. Three teens who are slated for this fate escape. The book does not, as you would assume, side solidly on either side of the life/choice issue, but rather serves as a commentary on the battle that rages on between the two, as well as providing insight into BOTH views. I HIGHLY recommend it.

Really good book. It wasn't as well written as Unwind, but was still great. The world of the novel is a world in which death is no longer an inevitability. Most people take drugs to live forever. This causes problems with over population, so those who choose immortality must sign a pact to never procreate. Those who do are jailed, and their children are sent to work camps/schools to try and atone for their parent's sins. These children are called Surpluses, and the narrator is one such child. She tells the story of growing up to be taught that she is a burden who should have never been born, and must strive her whole life to be useful in some capacity to those who deserved to exist. Gangsta lesson number 4: Do not let the authority keep you down while behind bars. Be the king of your cell block.

After writing a paper on the Musselman of the concentration camps, Elie Wiesel's "Night" seemed a logical reading choice. The story is harrowing. haunting, and something that everyone should read. It portrays not only the horrors of Auschwitz, but the love and loyalty that can exist between father and son even when all else is stripped away.

CS Lewis' "Great Divorce" was a great read, especially for those who enjoyed both Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" and Dante's "Divine Comedy". The picture of the afterlife that CS Lewis presents is beautiful and wonderful, and fully embraces both the idea of a completely loving Divine and the idea of man's unrestrained free will. The setting is only half the book, however. His observations of human behavior is extremely insightful, and his understanding if human relationships is eye opening. One does not need to be a theology student to love this book. Best thing about it/ UNICORNS!!!!!!!

Alright, gangstas, that's it for this month. Like I said, I was too busy making my turf safe and keeping hos in line to read.Gangsta homework for you all to work on: write a dope rhyme, and rob something (not necessarily in that order).